I’m the greatest, smartest, most attractive man alive. If only you knew. All the guys want to be me, and all the ladies want to be with me. I make millions on the black market, selling plutonium I grow myself. And with that money, I’ve purchased several solid gold cars, and dated several solid gold supermodels. I get my mail with a helicopter, and I do the dishes by burning them and buying a new set. I have servants for everything, including two whose jobs are to kiss each of my butt-cheeks all day long. Except when I’m sitting, then they just do the grapes and palm-frond thing. I also own everything, but I lease land out to local groups who call themselves “governments”. They run the regions in exchange for free rent, but they answer to me. They’re like expensive landlords.

Oh, and…

April Fool’s! I don’t really have servants who kiss my butt. But the rest is all true.